Monday, October 17, 2011

The Value of My Life

If someone asked you the question, "are you happy with your life?", how would you answer? Quite honestly, I would have to say I'm so-so. Currently, the deadly zone we call the grey area, thats where my life found its home. Its weird because I love all the experiences I had getting up to this chapter of my life yet the past 5 months have been pretty disheartening.

One of the main things that have been bothering me, ever since I graduated, will be quite ironic to some. Generally you'd hear parents complaining about how much money you'd spend on a monthly basis but for me, its the exact opposite. My parents complain to me that I don't spend enough money. Ironic, but heavily disheartening. Their point of view is that I'm a recent graduate, have good friends surrounding me, have the rest of my "exciting" life ahead of me, so I should be having fun and making the most of my experiences. Well most everything involves the bread. The "real world" hit me quite hard as soon as I stepped out of my little college bubble. Quite frankly, at the moment the real world is sucking the life out of me. I'm the type of guy that thinks hard before I spend money. A little too much sometimes. I've had other (God given) venues of cash over the summer that didn't come from any job (I'm very grateful), but I've been scared to use freely. I'm the type of person that is intimidated by 3-figure prices. It pains me, physically pains me to sign off on anything that is beyond 3-figures (hence I don't want a 4S, yet). My limit at restaurants is generally around the magic $18.95 mark for entrees, I dare not go higher. Luckily I am able to maintain my own gas and food expenses through God's generosity but thats it. I don't want to use my joint account credit card because I know theres still money left to be paid off. It pains me deeply every time I have to swipe that one. The bottom line is, I got college debt to pay off that'll be a dollar-bill-sucking-parasite-at-my-side for the next 10 years or so. This is probably the main (shallow) reason I want a decently paying job. Others would pursue their dream job in any fashion but I'd rather pay off my debt as soon as possible then get eaten alive by interest rates. At the moment I could care less if I go into anything creative or not, I just want financial stability of some sort. I want my parents to stop saying "you should spend more money". That phrase is literally a stab to my heart with a cold, adamantium knife. The sad part of it all is that I still don't know what I want to do with my life. Actually I do know what I want to do with the rest of my life but I doubt I can make a living off praise team for the next 70 years or so.

Its been a rough summer but He's gotten me through it. I've thought a lot about the value of my life. I realized that I really didn't learn much in college. Most everything I learned about videos, audio, and editing was self taught. My professors weren't always the most helpful and some have even forced me to change my major. Was the $200k really worth it? Here I am, 5 months after graduation, broad range of mediocre skills, everything-I-can-do-someone-else-can-do-better resume, and currently 22 years of age and afraid to spend over $90 on anything. Its no wonder I don't have a job. Yes I am a recent graduate who is still living with my parents and gets "allowance". Yes I have a broad range of skills that are mediocre at best. Yes I currently possess a resume that is shadowed by fellow graduates. Yes I am 22 and can't spend $90 without a slight hint of guilt slash worry...and yes I'm still jobless. Friends all around me are jump starting their careers and I'm sitting here typing this. I'm not gonna lie, at one point I've even classified myself as a failure because all I did was waste $200k and 4 years learning pretty much nothing new. I put my parents in debt for the next 10-15 years. Yes I am a failure. This is the value of my life, worth less than minimum wage. Actually, my value is in debt.

But the crazy thought of it all is that He cares for me no matter how worthless I think I am. Me, who is probably categorized under the "recent graduate rejects". I cannot tell you how glad I am that I decided to read the entire bible by the end of the year because every single time my pessimistic side takes over, it revitalizes me, gives me life again, brings back my optimism. I think I found out why people say "find rest in Him". Time and time again our God is faithful and a trustworthy savior. The past 5 months of hardships have made Blessed Be Your Name my favorite praise song. Takes the words right out of my heart. I am grateful for the fact that whenever I could see the bottom of my account, He has always provided. I am grateful for the day He will pull me out of this period of tribulation...and yes, I am grateful for that day when He'll open the floodgates of heaven to pay off my debt. I see the world in a new light, His light. Its remarkably more beautiful. You find the smallest, hidden-in-plain-sight blessings and it amazes you.  How it all comes together is way beyond me.

Whenever the world tells me I'm worthless, useless, no good for anything, I tell them the cross has placed in me my worth. Something so grand that the world cannot fathom, that is the true value of my life.

Bible Progress - Matt 13

1 comment:

Elizabeth Lee said...

this entry was really inspiring, thank you :)