Poison

So I've been browsing the web looking at every possible job site so I could find a nice little paying job but no luck in the past 2 hours. Everything I saw fell into one of 3 categories: 1) Business, IT, engineering, communications...sorry no experience, 2) Experience and skill set requirements too foreign, 3) No I not that desperate to work for minimum wage at McDs. Maybe I'm being too greedy. Just because I graduated from college doesn't entitle me to a start of $30k. I was hoping that having a bachelor's degree would change somethings but I guess there is little room for "aspiring artists". I check productionhub.com everyday (very very good jobsite for people in film and production) and most updates are in Cali. No surprise.

I sit here at 7:40pm feeling pretty defeated after a days attempt to find some jobs. I had to relocate myself to Barnes and Nobles at one point because my internet seems to have forgotten that its supposed to be "ultra high speed" as comcast puts it but my family probably just got sold into their twisted advertising. Not gonna lie but I do feel pretty inadequate right now. The days after I've come home have just been wasting by. Summers have always been nonproductive for me but it was ok because I would return to cuse in the fall and change all that. Now I'm at a road block in my life with no "cuse" to set me back on track again. I have so much that I want to do and so many places I want to work at and maybe start a career in but all of them are not hiring. God is pretty much teasing me because Discovery Communications is right next to me but in a non-hiring status (insert big sigh here). But they are hiring the business and IT people. Go back to school and get an MBA or IT degree? Its times like these I second guess myself if obtaining a Bachelor of Fine Arts was really worth it. I knew the field would be narrow but I was too naive to see how minuscule it really is. Now I'm actually regretting turning down some potential offers. But thats spilt milk. The rare times that jobs do show up, they're either unpaid or need extreme amounts of experience/skills. Time is winding down til my grace period ends on my loans. Starting next year I've got to start paying them back and I'm definitely not looking forward to half my paycheck (if I get a job) going to pay off my loans. 

At the same time I feel pretty blessed. Its ironic that being a stay-at-home-recent-college-graduate-status is fulfilling but it is in a way. I have all the time in the world, literally. I'm definitely not using this time wisely. I want to continue to produce some instrumentals of popular christian songs. I've been planning to do it for a while but I've been lacking motivating and inspiration lately. Its coming, slow but steadily. The big wave of motivation has not hit me yet. So dear readers, check my facebook page or my youtube channel (which I'm planning on making a new one for my future projects so stay tuned!) for new songs or videos. God gave me a talent and I definitely feel guilty just sitting on my ass. Might as well do something with it right? Just need that motivation then I'll probably be good to go. 

I think what I need to obtain at this point in my life is the wisdom to know that money doesn't make my life. Living in the real world has truly opened my eyes to how much money commands our daily lives. God promised he'd provide for me no matter what and yes he has. Granted I may never get my Nissan GT-R, ever, but that is the definition of greed and luxury in my life. I can feel myself getting more desperate to find a decent paying job out of my own greed. Its tough to suppress. Its poisonous like pride. Time to find an antidode for all these venomous intents before I'm consumed. I guess I'll use this post as self-accountability. Soon I'll find the motivation to make productive use of my time. Better now than later because poison becomes more potent the longer it inhabits. Ironically though the cure to poison is poison itself. Many venomous snakebites are cured by creating an antivenom that is made from the poison of the snake. The first step to solving a problem? Identify it. Its time to use the poison in my greedy heart to cure myself. 

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Bible Progress - Nehemiah 9

The Best I've Had

So its been about a week since I've officially graduated. It still hasn't hit me that I'm living in the real world. Maybe its because I've been home most of the time but it still feels like I'm going back to cuse in the fall. It feels weird coming back home to MD after cuse. It almost seems like a foreign place to me. Never the less its what I call home.

Thinking of all the times I had in cuse makes it hard to accept my new life. But this was the same feeling I had when I first stepped into cuse freshman year. That feeling turned out to be temporary as the next 4 years were the best I've had. I'm going to title this next chapter in my life as "foot in the door". This part of my life I expect to be in til im 30 or so. From now until I'm 30, I'll (hopefully) be experiencing a lot of big steps in my life: getting a job, deciding on a career, choosing a place to live, living on my own, getting married, and maybe having kids. Just a handful of huge life changing events. I'll start slow and decide on a career path. Then maybe I'll save up enough money to head out to the west coast unless God wants me elsewhere. Then I'll be living on my own for a while, off of my income, paying my own bills (other than my credit bill I pay now). Its a scary thought. Each time I'll probably reminisce about the week after my college graduation because it'll be the same experience, a new chapter.

Its like reading a book but a book ends relatively fast depending on how fast of a reader you are. I don't expect to "end" anytime soon. I've got my whole life ahead of me now and I'm just sitting on the first step remembering the best experience I've had so far which was college. If this trend continues I'm pretty sure that by the next time I open a new chapter of my life, I'll be expressing it as "better than the best I've had".

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Bible Progress - 2 Chronicles 34

Its Time to Fly

And this is how it is.
4 years of cuse now become great memories. Congrats all we did it!
Fin.

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Bible Progress - 2 Chronicles 18

The Harvest

It just has to come to an end. I cannot express in words my gratitude for the Grove and its members. Amazed. Humbled. Challenged.

Lord,
May you continue to bless this ministry. 
You have answered my prayers 5 years ago when I was worried for my college. 
You have answered my prayers 4 years ago when I was worried for my spirituality.
You continually challenged me and hardened my faith.
You rooted me into your word and helped me grow.
I pray you can do the same for the rest of the congregation. 
Each of them is an unique individual, gifted in their own ways.
I have learned so much from them and even look up to some of them. 
Even though they are young, their will is stronger than any battle-hardened general.
Their faith is continually seeking nourishment to grow and bloom into something more.
My best 4 years of my life has been with this ministry.
I pray that even though the lot of us are leaving, there will be the next generation of amazing leaders to spring up and take the initiative.
There is so much potential to do your works through the people here.
I pray that you take responsibility and bring out their full potentials.
Bless them 100-fold for their efforts to make such a memorable Senior Night.
Where would you have me go now?
Wherever you lead, I will follow.
May the seeds that our class sowed be reaped.
May the next generation sow their seeds as well.
These guys are good. Use them well. 
And I know you will do some crazy things through them.
And I know the harvest will be over-bountiful. 


Jesus name,
Amen


<3 Grove (so girly...)

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Bible progress - 1 Chronicles 16

Writing, Composing, and a Selfish Ambition

At this point in time, at this hour, at this minute (actually its been about 5 minutes but whatever), I finally finished my thesis paper. And yes, it does feel good to hold the 15 pages of semi-hardwork in my hands.

I just finished proofreading it and realized how much my writing style has changed. No matter what I write, I tend to have an informal tone, with everything. It can be something absolutely serious but I'd still condone  the actual serious part. Being a thesis paper one would assume it's all professionally written with many critics and reviews but its completely the opposite of that. My thesis paper sounds like a huge, elongated blog entry with a couple of "big words". Just FYI my thesis research was about music and emotion and how film scores (mostly Disney) evoke certain emotions. Are we trained at birth to react in certain ways when we hear specific musical cues? I'll save you 15 pages of trouble so the bottom line of my paper is, yes, music does have an impact on your emotions. Now it just feels weird that I dumbed down my whole research into one, non-scholarly sentence. If only the world was as simple as that. It always has to be yes or no...and why (that despicable word...)

Alongside my thesis research, all VPA majors have a "thesis project" they must finish in order to be degree-a-fied. Its personal choice whether you do two, semester long projects, or one, big year long project. You know me, I'd take the shorter version. So yes I chose to do two, semester long projects. This semester I am composing my own score for Fantasia 2000. Obviously not the whole film but two suites: The Pines of Rome and Firebird. Both are about 10 minutes in length and I realized what I got myself into in the beginning of the semester when I had musical block for quite a bit. Took me a while but inspiration came from the randomest (not a word but I don't care...I think I OD on this word) sources as usual. Long story short, I am 90% done with my scores and I am somewhat proud yet disappointed in my compositions. One, I'm proud of the fact that I can actually compose, what I think is 20 minutes of decently sounding music and two, I just don't like the digitalized sound that my piece embodies. I am not able to record a live symphonic orchestra to get the natural, epicness, nor do I have the means of purchasing (or pirating) software and equipment that I probably have to pay a arm and leg for. Something I'd probably struggle with forever.

Strangely enough, I actually had thoughts of pursuing creative writing (in a more sophisticated sense because no one would take my limited, 2 syllables max, vocabulary). Its something with the arts, all the arts, that entices me. Those who say writing and composing music is not an art form need to get themselves checked for a missing right hemisphere. Am I doomed to be a creative junkie for life? I don't mind. The only problem is that creativity can't pay for rent...yet.

Dear God, 

Grant me the wisdom to take away my selfish ambitions and refill it with the ambition for your kingdom.

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Bible Progress - 2 Kings Ch. 6 (back on track!)

Stressed.

I get stressed over the most randomest (not a word but who cares) things. I'm not stressed because of my thesis projects or final thesis papers and presentations, but I'm stressed over the fact that I am graduating. Why am I getting stressed over graduating? I ask myself all the time these days. I secretly know the answer but I constantly deny it. "I'm stressed because I don't want my best 4 years of my life to end. Its all drawing to a close so rapidly!".

As the months wind down on the greatest 4 years of ones life (supposedly), taking a look back at mine gives me both room for regret and satisfaction. Of course campus has changed a lot physically since I've first stepped foot onto cuse as a open-minded, ready to take on the world freshman. All I wish for now is a pleasant ending to a soon to be memorable chapter of my life. Pleasant, but challenging as well. After many life changing experiences, critical life lessons learned, and pots and pots of KCS special moo gook (everyone should know this lunch special if they've been to the Grove), theres less than a month left in the greatest era of my life. Its sad on my part that I countdown the days til graduation not because thats when my life will take off, but because thats when my fantasy life will end and the "real world" will begin. I have a hard enough time working 15 hours a week, twice a week. Cuse has taught me that I'm definitely not fit for a office job. I need my freedom to travel and go crazy exploring my passions.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately to find what God wants me to do in the future (still unknown). I have dreams of doing everything possible that encompasses my interests in film, audio, art, food, games, church, you name it. We all know thats "humanly" impossible because no one person can juggle that much at the same time. Or maybe we are completely capable yet everyone is too scared to try it because they probably know its "bound to fail". Should I be the world's first mega-entrepreneur that starts a business that does literally everything creative? Thats stress for another day. Currently I'm stressed because I only have a month left in cuse. Granted I hate cuse with a near burning passion its strange that I'm feeling so down about leaving this place. Shouldn't I be happy I'm finally out of this hole?

I guess its a good type of stress because its not the type that makes you want to break down in the middle of the night because you pulled an all nighter and bombed the exam. Its the type of stress that keeps me on my toes, refreshing my gmail every 5 minutes (literally) waiting for the one email that has your future attached to it. Its the type of stress that you know will one day turn into nostalgic feelings whenever and wherever I eat moo gook again.

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Bible Progress - 1 Kings 7 (I slacked a bit last week) -_-;;

Ctrl + Z and R

Recently I read something regarding the combination of real life with the computer. The question was what computer function would you use in real life? Many people answered Ctrl + Z (or Command + Z for us mac users). By now I assume everyone has used Ctrl + Z as much as they breathe. We live by the undo command. Undo saves us from that one fateful error we make or the accidental "delete" when we write our papers.

But imagine if Undo was actually a function in real life.

Imagine all the possibilities of a utopian society. Everything would be almost too perfect. If we make a mistake on a test and we realize after we get our scores back, we can hit undo. If we ask a guy/girl out and they reject you, we can hit undo to save us some awkwardness. The possibilities are limitless. The world would be way too perfect. However, perfect in one person's world does not make a perfect world. It was intriguing when I stumbled upon this fact because if one person's world is perfect, another one's won't. Reason being we're not all the same. We are not cookie cutter human beings that are mass produced with the same likes, dislikes, values, morals, and desires. This could turn into a whole discussion of what the world would be if it was 100% one sided. 

Wheres the fun in zero uniqueness?

For me I would definitely love the undo function in my life. I mean I've made some pretty stupid decisions and accidentally hit the wrong keys at the wrong point in my life. If I could undo all that and Ctrl + R (redo) I would have no regrets. But we can't take out the fact that its the regrets of stupid decisions we've made in the past that gives us the wisdom to not repeat history. We can't expect undo and redo to happen ever. Realistically we do not live in a perfect world. We just have to man up (woman up?) and face our regrets and learn from them. But the possibility of undo-ing that bombed exam or the fattening late night chocolate cake still tickle our inner perfectionists. We all want a perfect world but since that'll never happen, might as well take charge of our own world and make it perfect. No regrets, take the curve ball, get ready for the next pitch.

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Bible Progress - 2 Samuel 21