Poison

So I've been browsing the web looking at every possible job site so I could find a nice little paying job but no luck in the past 2 hours. Everything I saw fell into one of 3 categories: 1) Business, IT, engineering, communications...sorry no experience, 2) Experience and skill set requirements too foreign, 3) No I not that desperate to work for minimum wage at McDs. Maybe I'm being too greedy. Just because I graduated from college doesn't entitle me to a start of $30k. I was hoping that having a bachelor's degree would change somethings but I guess there is little room for "aspiring artists". I check productionhub.com everyday (very very good jobsite for people in film and production) and most updates are in Cali. No surprise.

I sit here at 7:40pm feeling pretty defeated after a days attempt to find some jobs. I had to relocate myself to Barnes and Nobles at one point because my internet seems to have forgotten that its supposed to be "ultra high speed" as comcast puts it but my family probably just got sold into their twisted advertising. Not gonna lie but I do feel pretty inadequate right now. The days after I've come home have just been wasting by. Summers have always been nonproductive for me but it was ok because I would return to cuse in the fall and change all that. Now I'm at a road block in my life with no "cuse" to set me back on track again. I have so much that I want to do and so many places I want to work at and maybe start a career in but all of them are not hiring. God is pretty much teasing me because Discovery Communications is right next to me but in a non-hiring status (insert big sigh here). But they are hiring the business and IT people. Go back to school and get an MBA or IT degree? Its times like these I second guess myself if obtaining a Bachelor of Fine Arts was really worth it. I knew the field would be narrow but I was too naive to see how minuscule it really is. Now I'm actually regretting turning down some potential offers. But thats spilt milk. The rare times that jobs do show up, they're either unpaid or need extreme amounts of experience/skills. Time is winding down til my grace period ends on my loans. Starting next year I've got to start paying them back and I'm definitely not looking forward to half my paycheck (if I get a job) going to pay off my loans. 

At the same time I feel pretty blessed. Its ironic that being a stay-at-home-recent-college-graduate-status is fulfilling but it is in a way. I have all the time in the world, literally. I'm definitely not using this time wisely. I want to continue to produce some instrumentals of popular christian songs. I've been planning to do it for a while but I've been lacking motivating and inspiration lately. Its coming, slow but steadily. The big wave of motivation has not hit me yet. So dear readers, check my facebook page or my youtube channel (which I'm planning on making a new one for my future projects so stay tuned!) for new songs or videos. God gave me a talent and I definitely feel guilty just sitting on my ass. Might as well do something with it right? Just need that motivation then I'll probably be good to go. 

I think what I need to obtain at this point in my life is the wisdom to know that money doesn't make my life. Living in the real world has truly opened my eyes to how much money commands our daily lives. God promised he'd provide for me no matter what and yes he has. Granted I may never get my Nissan GT-R, ever, but that is the definition of greed and luxury in my life. I can feel myself getting more desperate to find a decent paying job out of my own greed. Its tough to suppress. Its poisonous like pride. Time to find an antidode for all these venomous intents before I'm consumed. I guess I'll use this post as self-accountability. Soon I'll find the motivation to make productive use of my time. Better now than later because poison becomes more potent the longer it inhabits. Ironically though the cure to poison is poison itself. Many venomous snakebites are cured by creating an antivenom that is made from the poison of the snake. The first step to solving a problem? Identify it. Its time to use the poison in my greedy heart to cure myself. 

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Bible Progress - Nehemiah 9

The Best I've Had

So its been about a week since I've officially graduated. It still hasn't hit me that I'm living in the real world. Maybe its because I've been home most of the time but it still feels like I'm going back to cuse in the fall. It feels weird coming back home to MD after cuse. It almost seems like a foreign place to me. Never the less its what I call home.

Thinking of all the times I had in cuse makes it hard to accept my new life. But this was the same feeling I had when I first stepped into cuse freshman year. That feeling turned out to be temporary as the next 4 years were the best I've had. I'm going to title this next chapter in my life as "foot in the door". This part of my life I expect to be in til im 30 or so. From now until I'm 30, I'll (hopefully) be experiencing a lot of big steps in my life: getting a job, deciding on a career, choosing a place to live, living on my own, getting married, and maybe having kids. Just a handful of huge life changing events. I'll start slow and decide on a career path. Then maybe I'll save up enough money to head out to the west coast unless God wants me elsewhere. Then I'll be living on my own for a while, off of my income, paying my own bills (other than my credit bill I pay now). Its a scary thought. Each time I'll probably reminisce about the week after my college graduation because it'll be the same experience, a new chapter.

Its like reading a book but a book ends relatively fast depending on how fast of a reader you are. I don't expect to "end" anytime soon. I've got my whole life ahead of me now and I'm just sitting on the first step remembering the best experience I've had so far which was college. If this trend continues I'm pretty sure that by the next time I open a new chapter of my life, I'll be expressing it as "better than the best I've had".

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Bible Progress - 2 Chronicles 34

Its Time to Fly

And this is how it is.
4 years of cuse now become great memories. Congrats all we did it!
Fin.

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Bible Progress - 2 Chronicles 18

The Harvest

It just has to come to an end. I cannot express in words my gratitude for the Grove and its members. Amazed. Humbled. Challenged.

Lord,
May you continue to bless this ministry. 
You have answered my prayers 5 years ago when I was worried for my college. 
You have answered my prayers 4 years ago when I was worried for my spirituality.
You continually challenged me and hardened my faith.
You rooted me into your word and helped me grow.
I pray you can do the same for the rest of the congregation. 
Each of them is an unique individual, gifted in their own ways.
I have learned so much from them and even look up to some of them. 
Even though they are young, their will is stronger than any battle-hardened general.
Their faith is continually seeking nourishment to grow and bloom into something more.
My best 4 years of my life has been with this ministry.
I pray that even though the lot of us are leaving, there will be the next generation of amazing leaders to spring up and take the initiative.
There is so much potential to do your works through the people here.
I pray that you take responsibility and bring out their full potentials.
Bless them 100-fold for their efforts to make such a memorable Senior Night.
Where would you have me go now?
Wherever you lead, I will follow.
May the seeds that our class sowed be reaped.
May the next generation sow their seeds as well.
These guys are good. Use them well. 
And I know you will do some crazy things through them.
And I know the harvest will be over-bountiful. 


Jesus name,
Amen


<3 Grove (so girly...)

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Bible progress - 1 Chronicles 16